i started painting in 2019 when journalling and self-therapy were no longer enough to externalise the very harsh and strong emotions i felt at the time. _PAINting saved me. i don’t consider myself a painter as i never studied it and have absolutely no technique. it’s therapeutic nonetheless. my aim is to learn more about the craft as i go on in life.
/HƐL/ was supposed to be a flower… it all started in July 2019 when i was feeling such turmoil within me that i left the house in search of something. i spent hours in the streets of dublin, entering shops and looking for what this urge was about. i finally saw the blank canvases and i instantly knew. painting, my intuition was asking me to paint. i buy 5 canvases, paint and a brush and i go back home, on a mission. once home, i sit in front of the blank canvas and i stare at it: what should i paint? i thought of a flower and dipped my brush in red. i made the decision that i would let my hand guide me as i had no ideal how to paint a flower. /HƐL/ came out. i didn’t fully grasp what i was doing until a few minutes later. demons everywhere, my troubled soul, spires and blood. i was in pain and incapable of expressing it. within a few days i quit my job at Accenture, a company that almost destroyed a big part of my Joy, and proceeded to acknowledge my despair and commit to healing. so i started painting more often.
there are no words for the immense amount of anger and hatred i feel towards those who caused The Pain. i am the first one to preach to take responsibility for everything that happens in ones life, and i am well aware that i did have the possibility to leave. /sʌbdʒʊˈɡeɪʃ(ə)n/ exhibits the constant mental flagellation Accenture and its “petit pouvoir sad little men” have inflicted on me on a daily basis. no one could possibly understand what it was to live such episodes. some people are capable to see people suffer and get on with their insensitive tasks, obedient cowards, others are just too sensitive to watch the world around them burn in despair.
/ɪˈskeɪp,ɛˈskeɪp/ depicts me leaving the hell painted in /HƐL/ and choosing a different environment. the new one was nothing like the idyllic paradise i coloured but at the time, the contrast between the toxicity of Accenture and that new job was important enough for me to believe that it was heaven. you can see that although i escaped, i am still black, poisoned by the environment i suffered in. i was aware that i was beyond toxic, and i had a lot of work to do if i didn’t want to spoil my new reality. meanwhile there were elements trying to pull me back into the darkness, and my head turning towards it reveals my own sickness of reminiscing going back.
/pəˈfɪdɪəs/ is a very hard painting for me to talk about. to this day, 3 years later, i am incapable of looking at it without tears flooding my cheeks, as they currently are. sometimes two perfectly wonderful people meet, but the mix of the two is something so destructive, so harmful, that it just slides you into a forever state of suffering that never truly goes away, as its virulent poison lingers in you indefinitely. i am still destroyed by it all and therefore i cannot write its true description just yet.
/ˈKAƱNTƏFꞮT,ˈKAƱNTƏFIːT/ points out that my so called confidence is a whole lie. the perfect blue strokes with the golden crown is all an illusion wrapped up in my ability to make-believe. underneath the surface there is dark, miserable and unhappy human and it’s not that difficult to figure. in this painting i am screaming and hating myself. but i am not allowed to be sad and i am certainly not allowed to have confidence issues. acting the way i feel, aka desperately, would be unforgivable and repulsive. so i keep the chaos inside of me, screech at myself and keep pretending.
/ʃɛd/ was made during the night, while crying. i couldn’t sleep because of the pain caused by 2019 and decided to document it. i couldn’t see what i was doing due to the tears and the natural squinting of the eyes when sobbing. i was distraught. but in the midst of this desperation, there is hope. when comparing /HƐL/ with /ʃɛd/, one can clearly see the softening of the harsher emotions. although i was deeply wounded, beyond measure, i couldnt help but notice the contrast between the two types of despair. in /ʃɛd/ i somehow sensed that i was going to be alright.
in U i attempt to portay the Universe, Nature, the beautiful loving energy which i believe is protecting me at all times. Faith saved me. it was Faith who showed me an alternative way, redemption, an antidote to my Guilt, and the miracle of self-love. at the time, i was just about starting my journey into its Value. in hindsight, this shift in belief was monumental as it not only helped me to breathe again, but also brought the abundance in ideas, resources and time to feel and ignite the Spark which taught me about myself and the Meaning of life i was so desperately seeking.
this painting has not given itself a name yet and will therefore remain untitled until suggested through intuition. it represents the download whispered to my broken-self. i woke up during the night right after making it as something in me asked “fran… how many frans are there on the painting?”. 12. the Universe was showing me what to expect during the next 12 months, promising me a complete new start by the end of them. no one will believe me when i say that the emotional state of those little mes was exactly the dominant state of mind i went through during each of those months. a year later, just as written, i doubled my income without any additional work and started truly emancipating from Doubt in U, opening a whole new level of serenity and Joie de Vivre.
there are no words to describe how grateful i am to this painting. it is absolutely full of magic and has laid in front of my October-2020-self the Promise of a bright future. fast forward 2 years (it is now the 10th of October 2022) i am beyond baffled by the incredible, surreal, unexplainable miracles i have lived and received. from living in the best hotels in Stockholm for months due to the success of my marketing business, to kickstarting my acting career, to emancipating from the need of men injected in my belief system since a little girl… i am now living in Joy, and expressing my Anger towards the unnecessary pain society & men have inflicted to me, through art. i am now paid to simply make art (without selling it) and to develop my skills as an actress. i am living, breathing and creating the Dream.